Why Batman Is Better Than Superman

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So I was sitting around the apartment the other night and my roommate and I got into the classic argument over who is better, Superman or my man Batman. It came shortly after watching the Dark Knight Rises featuring Christian Bale and Co, so I might have been caught up in the moment. But I wasn't. Batman is better than Superman. That's a fact. Sure, Batman is largely the creation of Bruce Wayne and his $$$ but that's capitalism for ya, folks. One percent of the population has 99% of the money. And kick-ass vigilante abilities too, apparently. It probably does help my argument some that Christopher Nolan and the Batman franchise have dominated the Man of Steel (psyched for that film to come in 2013) in theaters in recent years. That being said I've always been a big Caped Crusader fan and if you aren't you should be after reading this. Because having a dog with the shortened name of your only weakness is just plain stupid.

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10. Bruce Wayne/Batman is actually from this country. 'MERICA!

So first off, Batman is a legal citizen. Born and raised in the good ole US of A. Superman? Eh, not so sure. I have my doubts. (Was he even formally adopted by the Kents?) Batman represents this country so well and doesn't show off like that pompous loaf Superman, who flaunts his vibrantly colored tights and does most of his life-saving work during the day. Modesty is so underrated. Bruce Wayne/Batman also personifies the notion that in this nation, you can do nothing, inherit your wealth, still do nothing, and then still be able to keep all your wealth. I imagine Donald Trump playing Batman in the real world, if he was about 80 pounds lighter and his hair could actually fit inside the headgear, which brings me to my next case…

batman mask

9. The mask

The mask/headgear of Batman might be the most recognizable of all the superheroes not named Iron Man or Spiderman. The mask represents justice and I've still never been able to get over the fact thatnobody can figure out who he is even though his mask doesn't even cover close to his entire face!The magic lies in the mask and it definitely helps complete the "bat" persona, especially with the nose. And you gotta' love the ears. He's got that deal going on where he can make out with the damsels he saves from distress while doing it in the most masochistic yet still costume-inclusive way ever. If I could have the mask, I feel like I would automatically be able to take on the scum of the earth, as long as they're smaller than me and don't know any intense martial arts or carry any weapons on them. The fact that Robin also matches with the headgear idea is sorta cool too, considering Superman doesn't have anybody to wear matching costume with. Speaking of Robin…

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8. Robin's a loser, yet Batman kindly takes him in and then proceeds to keep him around

Proof that Batman/BW is a nice guy. Sure the Kid Wonder has proved he can be helpful at times, but overall he doesn't do a whole lot. But he gets sympathy because like his mentor, they're both orphans. I think it also goes to show that Batman is just a nice guy. That gets points in my book. I like nice people. Batman sees some of himself in the young gun and this helps strengthen their bond. They have that perfect father-son/uncle-nephew/brotherly connection all-in-one which we should all strive for. It's a beautiful thing. Batman gives Robin the guidance and guardianship he never had. Having said all that, Robin is still a tool.

morgan freeman liam neeson

7. Morgan Freeman & Liam Neeson

There are two real actors who my pals and I just instinctively give their own unique middle name which begins with an F and ends with bomb. Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson. The fact that one of these two acting gods, literally and in the case of some of their movies figuratively, are in the Batman movies of the past decade speak volumes but considering that BOTH have prominent roles in the entire trilogy is glorious. It's like the Hall of Fame for Godliness, with only two enshrined because only two are needed. Each brings his own distinct awesomeness to the trilogy and reading the cast of characters is always another fun way to remind myself that Batman has these two titans on his side and Superman has…Kevin Spacey? The Superman series is about to add some grand actors now that Nolan has signed on to do those films too, but I refuse to believe that cast can have the star-power that Batman does until it happens. It's really not even fair debating these two when it comes to cinematic magic which brings me to my next point…

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6. The 1966 Batman movie featuring Adam West

Okay, this flick is an absolute classic. If you haven't seen it go look it up on ebay because I'm sure some bimbo somewhere is selling it for 20 cents. It includes the famous "BAM" and "SHAZAM" action captions that the comics enlisted except they're on screen and the fighting action is magnificently cheesy, like Rocky on steroids! Wait.. Adam West being in the film makes it all the more enticing because who doesn't love a good Adam West anything. Now this is where it gets dicey because being a big Batman fan I haven't cared to ever take an interest in the Superman movies of old. That being said, I don't really care and I'll just stick with my movie because I'm stubborn. This movie includes all the famous Batman villains and characters (The Penguin, The Riddler, Joker, Catwoman, Commisioner Gordon) and the movie poster and some of the action looks like it jumped straight out of the comic book itself. However they did leave out one more rather modern villain…

man-bat

5. Man-Bat

How ingenius. A bad guy whose heinous name is a hyphenated version of the hero's. It's brilliant yet at the same time so stupid it's entertaining. Composite Superman? Kryptonite Man? Psh. Gimme a break. Those are so actually original compared to Man-Bat that I'm embarrassed for their creators. Man-Bat serves as the extreme foil to Batman in that he is actually turned into a part bat through experimentation. It's like somebody thought "We pretended to create a bat person with Batman, now let's do it for real!" And their battles are so epic because a play-by-play announcer would struggle so horribly trying to document the fight. Most people in their lifetime would be so lucky to see a few bats up close and personal so to be able to see two engage in such epic combat seems all the cooler. What could somebody make out of Superman, Man-Super? Now that just sounds downright idiotic.

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4. He lives in a super expensive house in the most expensive city in the country

I mentioned earlier that Bruce Wayne is filthy rich. And the average comic fan understands that Gotham = New York City (PS Gotham > Metropolis.) So we are to understand that Batman resides in one of the most expensive manors in the most expensive city in the country in terms of cost of living. This argument doesn't really have much substance here. I just wanted to use another point to prove how much dough the Dark Knight's got at his disposal.

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3a. Batmobile

Any list talking about the greatness of Batman would be incomplete without mention of this legendary car. Sure Superman can fly, but Batman has this convenient way of cruising the town, not to mention several other gadgety ways to at least make it looks like he can fly. I once got the chance to see the Batmobile at a Ripley's Believe it Or Not museum and I felt like I was in the presence of a sacred relic. The fact that Superman has all those superpowers goes against him in the regard that he doesn't get to use/have/need any nifty gizmos. When that Batmobile showed up to the party, you knew your night was over.

Batman casts a long shadow over Gotham City aka Chicago.

3b. Batcycle

This is more a Robin-esque object classically in the comic but I give the big guy some credit for it because again, the Nolan movies. When they implemented the bike into the films they made it so unbelievably cool, I mean have you seen that thing?? (minor spoiler alerts)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUfPFDOtJo0

I rest my case.

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3c. Batcave

This is a good spot to point out the consistency of every Batman device containing the word "bat." So naturally a cave that he calls home would be the…Batcave! Now who among us doesn't want a cool cave to play in and go back to every time we needed to analyze some evidence or simply take a nap. Style points for the entrance containing either a waterfall or a deserted area too, depending on which version you read. And let's not all quickly forget the ways to get into the Batcave from Wayne manor, whether it be the revolving staircase or riding the firepolls down. Where's Superman's secret hideout? That's right. He doesn't have one. He just uses a phone booth. LAAAMEEE.

2. He doesn't actually have any super powers

I think I might have mentioned this already a few times but Batman doesn't have any super powers, unless being filthy rich is a superpower. Sure Superman's got him beat in that category, but not having any super powers yet still kicking butt and taking names every night is super bad ass. Working with the League of Shadows certainly helped hone those crime-fighting skills (yeah what League were you in Mr. Steel?) and so Batman can install the hope in young aspiring super heroes that you don't need superpowers to defend a city, only lots of dandy doo-hickeys and a solid thirst for justice.

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1. Alfred

The number one reason why Batman trumps Superman every time. I don't care who makes up Clark Kent's social circle, Alfred is better. Who wouldn't want that comical, cheery old fella waiting on your flimsiest whims. Alfred just seems like he'd be cool to hang out with, and that says a lot for an old guy who's spent the majority of his days chillin' in a big old mansion. I get the vibe too, that Alfred is full of world-reaching wisdom. Knowing that he can keep a secret (think how easy it would be for him to let slip that Batman is really ehgad..Bruce Wayne!) goes a long ways because we all hate that one tattle-tale/NARC, whatever you wanna call him. Going back to the movies, getting Michael Caine to play the part of Alfred was casting gold. If you think about it, the old guys in the Superman series are Mr. Kent and Perry White and neither of them are anything to write home about (pun intended for Mr. White.)

Something makes me think if Superman had a butler he'd find a way to screw that up, too.